So I was riding the bus the other evening after a (sort of) hard day at work, and sitting across the aisle from me is this very unattractive, very, obnoxious, very vulgar, very LOUD young "lady" (and believe me, I use that term very loosely), obliterating the ears and sensibilities of a bus full of commuters just trying to have a peaceful end to their days (can I just play my damned Words With Friends without having to hear you embarrass yourself at the top of your lungs?). Everything that came out of her mouth - whether she was on her phone, talking to the other female sitting with her, or just (so it seemed) just raging to no one in particular about God knows what - was just a profane, nonsensical stream of craziness.
At some point during this ride (well, at several points actually, but only this one point of significance), I looked up from my phone and cast a quick side eye across the aisle in her direction. Unfortunately for me, she happened to be looking enough in my direction at the same time to catch my side eye...
"Why the F--- you looking at me?" She bellowed
"Excuse me, I'm not looking at you" I lied.
"Nigga, please, you was lookin' right at me!" (I was) "What, you like me or somethin'? You want some of this?" (Absolutely, positively, unequivocally, HELL TO THE NAW would there ever be anything about your loud, ignant, ill-shaped, Buckwheat haired, gold toofused, sloppy ass that would make me remotely want you, even if you were the last woman on earth...)
"I'm just sitting here minding my business."
"Yeah right, you want some of me..." And on and on she went, proclaiming that a) I must want her, and b) I wasn't man enough for her (expressed in as a crude a fashion as you might imagine). I sat there, pretending to ignore her, but listening intently, all the while sensing that the other passengers were looking in my direction wondering why I was taking her insults without a response. The fact was, I was too damned tired to get into a back a forth with her; besides which, doing so would just be a waste ("Never argue with an idiot; onlookers might not be able to tell the difference"). However, I did want to have an opportunity to get in a good shot at her; my smart ass tendencies wouldn't allow me to have it any other way. So I waited, confident that this ignant broad would present me with a set up to get back at her.
And then it happened. The bus finally got to Mz. Thang's stop, and as she lifted her big, awkward body out of her seat, still yapping, she leaned over in front of me and said, "And look at you; you oooooolllllllddddd! Don't nobody want your old ass! You old enough to be my father! Sheeeeeiiiittt, you might just be my father for all I know!"
"Well, miss" I said, "I'm pretty sure I've never had sex with anyone ugly enough to spit out something that looks like you. So no, I'm not your father..."
She was staggered by the verbal blow, enough that she didn't have anything to come back at me with. Just then the bus pulled to her stop, and she got off, the whole threatening to F--- me up if she ever saw me again. Meanwhile, I went back to take my next turn in Words With Friends as I quietly soaked up the laughter around me...