Thursday, May 3, 2012

Doing What You Doo-Doo

So I was at church recently, and at some point in the service I got up to use the restroom. As I got near to the restrooms, I saw an old friend of mine that I grew up in the church with.

"Hey", she said, "Can you check on my nephew (who's about 4 or 5)? He's been in the bathroom a while now. I don't know what he's doing."

"No problem."

So I opened the door to the Men's Room, took a step in, and -to quote the late, great Richard Pryor - "the funk rushed out and knocked me to my knees!" Well, OK, not really, but lil' Dude was seriously lighting the bathroom up. As I looked towards the stall, I noticed that he had taken off his shoes and socks, and they were laying on the floor. I guess he plans on being here for a while.

"You okay in there?" I asked.

"Yeah. uuunnnnnhhh [bloop bloop]"

"Your auntie sent me in here to check up on you."

"uuuunnnnnhhhh [bloop bloop] I'm still doo-doo-ing! uunnnnhhh [bloop]"

"Uh, yeah, I can tell. Well, I'll let your aunt know that you're all right."

"Okay. uuunnnnnnnhhhh [bloop bloop bloop]"

So I made my way the urinal, did my business, washed up - all while lil' Dude was continuing to machine-gun pellets into the toilet (what did this kid eat?) - and started to leave when a terrifying thought hit me:

"Uh, you know how to wipe yourself, don't you?"
"Yeah. uuunnnhhh [bloop]"

Ooooh, good. 'Cuz Auntie would've had to come in here and finish that job herself...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Meet the Parents

So as y'all know, I became a grandfather for the fourth time; since the baby and his big brother, and their mom are all living with me, that meant that there were a steady stream of visitors at the Angry Nerd residence for a few days - not all of whom I had met before. In once such instance, a couple came to the door that introduced themselves as Kevin's (the babydaddy's) parents. Very nice couple, friendly, seemed very good together, seemed like they interacted pretty well with their son, and they seemed genuinely happy about having a new grandson. Seems like Kevin is from a solid family; that's a switch (actually, that's not quite accurate; the family of the moron my daughter made her first-born with was quite nice; HE was the problem, not his people, and I'll just leave it at that).

The next afternoon, another unfamiliar visitor was at my door. "Hi, I'm Kevin's mom", she said. And then, in a moment of absolute stupidity, I said:

"Wait, I thought I met  Kevin's mom yesterday?"

The expression on Kevin's mom's face, while maintaining her bright smile, tightened up ever so slightly and subtly - almost imperceptibly... "No, I'm Kevin's mother", she stated (still smiling). "You probably met Kevin's father - and his wife..." sure got cold in here...

"Ooooh, I'm sooo sorry", I grovelled.

"Oh, it's quite all right", she said, smiled still pasted on her face. "Wow (changing the subject), your daughter really takes after you, I can really see the resemblance."

"Yes, everyone says that", I responded, happy to be let off the hook, and from there we went on to have a nice little chat while my body temperature rose back to normal. Meanwhile, that smile never left her face the entire time...