Friday, January 25, 2013

Baltimorons - Ashy Larraine

So the other day, I was on the bus on the way to work, and as we got closer to downtown, a woman sitting in front of me rose from her seat to get off. Like a lot of women these days, she was wearing low rise jeans and even lower rise (or no) panties, creating the ever-present female version of plumber's butt. Now, fellas, I know y'all what happens when a woman dressed this way goes to stand up: her ass rises faster than the pants do, and there's a brief instant (before she reaches back to hike her pants back up to plumber's butt level) when there's a full moon sighting. And sure enough, when this chick rose up, her didn't, and there was all manner of crack and cheek staring me right in the face. Me being me, my eyes zoomed right in on its target. But...

Damn, I thought, is her ass...ASHY???

Yes it was! This woman could've been Ashy Larry's of "Chappelle's Show" fame twin sister - let's call her Ashy Larraine - for as chalky looking as the skin on her normally brown hind parts was this morning. And you know, I think Ashy Larraine was kind of attractive, and she kind of had a nice figure, and that was probably normally a nice looking booty - but dammit, that ash was just throwing me off! And to make matters worse, unlike most women who quickly reach back and fix themselves up when they stand up and expose themselves (many of whom have booties you wouldn't mind getting a little extra time to check out), this chick seemed like she wasn't in any hurry to cover all that dry booty meat up. C'mon, Ashy Larraine, get yourself together and pull them drawers up! Don't nobody want to see a big, dry ass this early in the morning. Some of us haven't had breakfast yet!

With this little story in mind, let me just offer up a piece of advice for the ladies: now, I'm not sure when and how the whole low riding, butt-cleavage (and muffin-top, often) - producing jeans style came into vogue, and as a booty-watching male I'm certainly not going to knock it (too much) or wish it would go away. I mean, the style looks good on (SOME OF) you. On the other hand, I'm not sure why you want to expose your hind parts to the kind of bitter cold temperatures we've been having lately here in Baltimore, but hey, they're your asses, so who am I to say? That being said, however...

The late, great comedian Redd Foxx recorded a classic album back in the day called "You Gotta Wash Your Ass".

Now I have no doubt that (MOST OF) you do indeed wash your asses (and other parts in the vicinity) before you leave the house (although I'm a little skeptical sometimes of those of you prancing around in your pajamas; do you just roll up out of bed and go out into public wearing the pajamas you slept in, or do you wash your ass and THEN put on pajamas to go outside? Hmmm, I wonder. But I digress...). But - especially in the winter time when your skin is likely to be drier and ashier - please, PLEASE, slap a little lotion on those derrieres (and for some of y'all big behinds, more than a little lotion) before you leave the house trying to be cute showing off you female plumber's butts.

Because, really, nobody wants to be looking at an Ashy Larraine...

Colder Than a...

After what had been a relatively mild winter here in Baltimore, this week we have had a rude awakening. It's FRIGGIN' COLD! Temperatures have been in the 20s the last couple of days, and aren't expected to get above freezing the rest of the week. YIKES! Unpack the long underwear! This is definitely not a time to be outside any more than you absolutely have to - unless you're like the couple I saw walking down the street yesterday: he wearing nothing more than a short sleeved polo and some khakis, while she had on a light sweater and slacks. Seriously, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to smack the hell out of these two or go hug them and  transfer some of the warmth that was permeating their bodies from them to me. I mean, really, where the heck where these people from that they could move along in 20 degree weather like they were taking a stroll on the beach on a balmy fall day? People were looking at them like they had lost their ever-loving minds. And then I heard a guy who was questioning this couple's sanity utter a phrase that has long been a curious one to me:

Colder than a witch's tit? I've always thought this to be a strange expression. I mean, I've felt a few tits over the years, and I have yet to feel one that was cold. Even if you've got cold hands, a nice pair of breasts (or even not so nice pair) will warm them up right away (don't try this at home - or wherever - guys, without the bearer of the breasts' consent; cold hands on unsuspecting warm breasts don't generally engender a pleasant response). Even if you were to stand a woman bare chested in cold temperatures, I'm guessing that while the skin may be initially cold to the touch, the tits themselves would feel warm (or would warm up fairly quickly). For a tit to be as colder as frigid winter temperatures, the owner of said titties would pretty much have to be dead (and dead for some time, and having been placed in a freezer), right? Then again, although I've interacted with my share of women who might be categorized as BitWitches, none of them was an actual witch - I don't think...and even if they were (and if witches actually existed), they would still have blood and flesh, and functioning physiology, so their tits would still be warm, wouldn't they?

As you might imagine if you know me, I wasted just a little too much time thinking about this, and finally decided to research the origins of the phrase "colder than a witch's tit". Well what I found didn't exactly clear things up for me. Some explanations say that it because witches often performed their rituals outdoors, in the nude, and therefore their body parts must naturally have gotten cold. Other sources say that since witches are in league with the Devil, that this would prevent them from having the maternal instincts to raise and nurse children, thus rendering their breasts dry, cold and of no use. A third explanation, however, takes the opposite tack, namely, that witch hunters of old believed that witches would allow people familiar with them - and even Satan himself - to suckle from their breasts, and that if that old Devil had occasion to suckle on a particular witch, he would leave his mark on the area he touched, rendering it without feeling, dead - or "cold", as witch hunters would call it. Alrighty then... I hope I've never had that effect on a woman...

Well now, I'm not sure any of that made me feel like using the term "colder than a witch's tit"...and, well, since I've digressed a bit, let me get back on point: it's FREEZING out there (I'll come up with something better than a witch's tit to compare this weather to someday...). Be safe, be smart. It's supposed to snow here Baltimore this afternoon, so things aren't going to get any better right away. If you have to be outside, bundle up and dress warm!

Except, of course, if you're that guy in the polo shirt...

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Playoffs! Ravens/Patriots

So a week and a day after the epic battle between the Ravens and the Denver Broncos, people are STILL talking about it as if the game just ended. But now it's time to focus on more important matters, namely the AFC Championship game this evening, where my RAVENS will be taking on the hated New England Patriots. Everyone that follows the sport (and probably a whole bunch of folk that don't) know how the game between these two, at the same venue, under the same circumstances, ended a year ago, and NO ONE who roots for the Ravens wants to see anything like that happen again (and I'm not going to repeat what went down; if you don't know how that game ended, too bad, go look it up. I shan't be speaknig of it ever again...)

So will this rematch end in another loss? Are the oddsmakers who have the Patriots as 9 point favorites right? Do all the "experts" predicting my Ravens to get blown out know what they're talking about? In a word, NO. Okay, let me make it two words: HELL NO!

There's no team that plays the New England Patriots tougher than the Baltimore Ravens. There ain't no blowouts happening here, unless it is the Ravens who get on a roll with Cool Joe Flacco playing bombs away on the Patriots secondary. But although I think we will certainly see some of that, Pats quarterback tom Brady will put his share of points on the board as well. That being said, I think the Ravens defense will slow down the Patriots offense a little bit more than the Patriots defense will slow down the Ravens offense. I think as the game goes on , our pass rush will eventually get to Tom Brady, and Brady, like Peyton Manning before him, is just not that good after he gets smacked around a few times. Eventually, he's going to make a big mistake at a key juncture after getting a little pressure put on him.

This will be a shootout, but the RAVENS will make the plays at the end, and Brady will give up a key turnover that will help swing the tide in our favor.

My prediction: Ravens 35, Patriots 30


The Help

So earlier in the week, I headed down to the corner CVS. I was still basking in the afterglow of my Baltimore Ravens wild and crazy upset victory over Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos, and was rocking my Ravens hoodie and a purple wool cap when I walked into the store. As I was walking around, I noticed this guy in a store uniform eyeballing me every step of the way. I go into the CVS enough that I'm familiar with most everyone that works there, but I hadn't seen this guy before. So why was he giving me the stink eye?

Finally, I decided to mosey on over to where he was stocking shelves to find out what was up.
"Ravens ain't shit", he said when I got close to him.
"Excuuuuse me?"
"Ravens ain't shit. They got lucky in that game against the Broncos."

Really? This is how you talk to customers? Okay...

"Ummmmm, let me ask you a question." I said while chuckling and shaking my head. "Are you new here? This is the first I've ever seen you."

"Yeah, I just started."
"So you think it's a good idea - as a new employee who hasn't established any rapport with the regular clientele - to start antagonizing customers the first time you see them?"

He stood there, looking confused. I wasn't sure if he didn't understand the notion of not pissing off customers, if he didn't get that there's a time and place for expressing his dislike of the Ravens, and this wasn't it, or if he just didn't know the meaning of the word "antagonize." Whatever the case was, I just walked away shaking my head at this jackass...only he started following me, talking shit about how he couldn't stand the Ravens, this player ain't this, that player ain't that, they were a lucky team, I bet I wouldn't be wearing any more Ravens gear after they lost against New England, blah blah blah...

Dude, don't you have a job to do?

Finally, I had enough. "Look," I said. "I came in here to buy these few items, not to talk shit with the help. Maybe you should go back and do your job." He looked like he wanted to open up a can of whoop ass on me, but before he could say anything else, he spotted the manager walking in our directly, and slunk off back to whatever shelf he was stocking.

"RAVENS BABY!" I yelled at him, and laughed while I was walking off that he couldn't say anything now that the manager was right next to him...

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Playoffs! Ravens/Broncos

So, I came pretty close in my prediction of the Ravens win over the Colts this past Sunday. I had it 24-14 Ravens, and the defense actually did even better at keeping points off the board (even those they bent but not broke to the tune of 87 plays, 419 yards and 37 minutes time of possession by the Colts) in their 24-9 victory. Now comes the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning.

Not many people are giving us much of a chance at winning this one. Certainly, the so-called "experts" aren't in our favor. I guess it makes sense on the surface; the Broncos kicked our butts when we played a few weeks ago, and the Ravens have never beaten Manning, so why pick Denver to lose?

Well...#1, the Ravens were not close to full strength when we played them earlier this season. #2, the game really turned on one play, the hideous pass by Joe Flacco as the Raven were on the verge of scoring to make  it a 10-7 (or at worst 10-3) game, which was intercepted and returned for a touchdown by the Broncos. Suddenly, a 10-7 likelihood became a 17-0 disaster. Ball game, and illusion that the Broncos are a far superior team. #3, very few of those players from all those losses by the Ravens to Peyton Manning are still around playing with the team, so that 9-game personal winning streak by Manning doesn't really carry that much weight with me. #4, Peyton's playoff record is fairly mediocre - 9 wins versus 10 losses - and he hasn't been anything special in cold weather (predicted 18 degrees in Denver today). #1, every year a #1 seed gets bumped off in the divisional round; why now the Broncos this year? prediction: the Broncos start off fast, but the ravens (like last week) bend but don't break, forcing Denver into field goals instead of touchdowns. The Ravens offense, much like in the first Ravens/Broncos game, get off to another miserable start, but the team gets helped by a big Jacoby Jones touchdown and an Ed Reed interception for a TD, and the Ravens go into halftime with a lead,despite having done a thing on offense. In the second half, however, the offense gets it going and puts together a couple of scoring drives. the defense continues to give up chunks of yardage to Peyton, but the Broncos will only score one TD (and another Field Goal).

In the end, my RAVENS are victorious on the road, 27-22! On to New England (who will beat Houston), and revenge/redemption for last year's heartbreaking Lee Evans/Billy Cundiff disaster!

I am NOT the Father...

So  I was riding the bus the other evening after a (sort of) hard day at work, and sitting across the aisle from me is this very unattractive, very, obnoxious, very vulgar, very LOUD young "lady" (and believe me, I use that term very loosely), obliterating the ears and sensibilities of a bus full of commuters just trying to have a peaceful end to their days (can I just play my damned Words With Friends without having to hear you embarrass yourself at the top of your lungs?). Everything that came out of her mouth - whether she was on her phone, talking to the other female sitting with her, or just (so it seemed) just raging to no one in particular about God knows what - was just a profane, nonsensical stream of craziness.

At some point during this ride (well, at several points actually, but only this one point of significance), I looked up from my phone and cast a quick side eye across the aisle in her direction. Unfortunately for me, she happened to be looking enough in my direction at the same time to catch my side eye...

"Why the F--- you looking at me?" She bellowed
"Excuse me, I'm not looking at you" I lied.
"Nigga, please, you was lookin' right at me!" (I was) "What, you like me or somethin'? You want some of this?" (Absolutely, positively, unequivocally, HELL TO THE NAW would there ever be anything about your loud, ignant, ill-shaped, Buckwheat haired, gold toofused, sloppy ass that would make me remotely want you, even if you were the last woman on earth...)

"I'm just sitting here minding my business."
"Yeah right, you want some of me..." And on and on she went, proclaiming that a) I must want her, and b) I wasn't man enough for her (expressed in as a crude a fashion as you might imagine). I sat there, pretending to ignore her, but listening intently, all the while sensing that the other passengers were looking in my direction wondering why I was taking her insults without a response. The fact was, I was too damned tired to get into a back a forth with her; besides which, doing so would just be a waste ("Never argue with an idiot; onlookers might not be able to tell the difference"). However, I did want to have an opportunity to get in a good shot at her; my smart ass tendencies wouldn't allow me to have it any other way. So I waited, confident that this ignant broad would present me with a set up to get back at her.

And then it happened. The bus finally got to Mz. Thang's stop, and as she lifted her big, awkward body out of her seat, still yapping, she leaned over in front of me and said, "And look at you; you oooooolllllllddddd! Don't nobody want your old ass! You old enough to be my father! Sheeeeeiiiittt, you might just be my father for all I know!"


"Well, miss" I said, "I'm pretty sure I've never had sex with anyone ugly enough to spit out something that looks like you. So no, I'm not your father..."


She was staggered by the verbal blow, enough that she didn't have anything to come back at me with. Just then the bus pulled to her stop, and she got off, the whole threatening to F--- me up if she ever saw me again. Meanwhile, I went back to take my next turn in Words With Friends as I quietly soaked up the laughter around me...

Sunday, January 6, 2013


Well, one of my favorite times of year is upon us: the start of the NFL Playoffs!

Once again, my beloved Baltimore Ravens are back in the mix - for the fifth straight year, the only current team that can make that claim! Unlike a lot of my perpetually Eeyore-like Baltimore fans (there must be something in the waters of the Patapsco River that  makes some of us so down in the mouth), I feel very good about the Ravens' opening round playoff against the Indianapolis Colts.

This is a game that will have no shortage of drama. You've got the former BALTIMORE Colts, who the Ravens haven't beaten in the playoffs in a couple of tries, You've got their head coach, Chuck Pagano - who a year ago was OUR defensive Coordinator, coming back to the sidelines after treatment for leukemia, and of course you've got the GREAT Ray Lewis playing possibly his last home game after announcing his retirement earlier this week.

So with all that drama, who do I pick? Well the RAVENS, of course! I think Running Backs Ray Rice and Bernard Pierce run wild, the defense forces Colts Quarterback Andrew Luck into making a few mistakes, and the Ravens win, 24-14. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

P.S. - To my old friend, Gregg, a Redskins fan even though he grew up in West Baltimore (how someone can make that conversion I'll never understand, but hey, different strokes for different folks), I can only say, Dude, I know you're a dedicated fan, but that Redskins tie you "showed off" on Facebook might be the ugliest thing ever!
I don't think I will ever be enough of a fan of any team to wear something this horrendous, but hey, wear it with pride, brother, even if it IS for the Foreskins, err, Redskins...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I Love "Writing"; I Just Hate to WRITE

I know many of the Angry Nerd's readers (well, many might not quite be the right word; how about "several of the Angry Nerd's handful of readers"?) have been asking me lately why I haven't been posting much lately. I've wondered this myself, as I go through these occasional periods of not posting despite having plenty of material that I could be putting out there. Well I think I finally figured it out, and the answer is this post's title: I love "writing", but I just hate to WRITE...

So what the heck does that mean, you ask? Well, my experiences, background, personal history, the people I know, the people I cross paths with, conversations I overhear (eavesdrop on), things I read or see on television or Internet, etc. provide me with a never ending source of ideas to write about...only that "writing" mostly takes place in the grey matter between my ears. Even though I carry a small notepad with me almost everywhere I go, ostensibly to write stuff down to use in this blog and in the collection of short stories that are all in various stages of incompletion, about all that ever gets written in them are occasional one-liners of blog/story ideas, or maybe a quote or two of something I've overheard. Otherwise, everything is all "written out" in my head, where it rattles around for weeks or months (or in a few cases, years) before I get around to sitting down to my computer to transfer my words into a form that someone else beside me might some day be able to read. And even then, it still takes longer than it needs to, due to distractions or just plain procrastination. See, like most writers, I suffer from writer's block; the difference with me is that my writer's block is rarely a mental one, but almost always a physical one. There's just something in me that makes me not want to physically write or type all these words that fill my head. Come to think of it, there may be some underlying mental thing that makes me so reluctant to put my stories in physical form - or maybe it's just plain laziness - but in any case, it tends to get words out of my head and into a word program file.

This is obviously not a good situation for someone who claims to want people to read and know the inner workings of his mind (or at the very least, the projections of "cleverness" he likes to convince himself he possesses). I even thought about paying someone to type my shit for me. That, however, was an idea with two major flaws: one, I would probably have to pay someone (I mean, unless I found someone who was so enamored of my brilliance that they would do it for free - OK, stop laughing - or, maybe finally found my true soulmate who would do it for me just because she loved me so much - yeah, I know, that's even funnier); and two, in dictating my stories to someone, it kinda means I would actually have to talk to that person -- ehhhh, I don't think so...of course, I guess I could dictate the stories into a recorder and have someone do dictation off of that, but, really, has anyone really listened to what my recorded voice sounds like? They'd be asleep before they finished typing the first paragraph...

 The good thing, though, is that since I started writing this blog, this condition of not wanting to write my "writings" has changed from being a seemingly permanent one to one that is more cyclical, or perhaps more accurately, like a see saw. The way it works is like this:
  1. Write a couple of blog posts and additions to my assorted short stories. Get tired of physically having to write stuff down. The see saw slams down hard on the side of no physical writing.
  2. After a period of time (a week, week and a half), people start asking when the next post is coming. "Leave me alone," I think. "I don't feel like writing" - meaning, I don't feel like physically sitting down and transferring the next post(s) from my brain - where they have already been completed - to my computer.
  3. After a little more time passes, the questions about when the next post is become more frequent and insistent. Now instead of feeling annoyed, I start feeling guilty and lapsing into a brand self-flagellation that I am particularly good at. The see saw starts to give a little and rise up towards level.
  4. Finally, I the combination of guilt and desire to show off what's been rolling around in my head rises to a level that is greater than my hatred of typing. The tipping point is reached, the see saw slams down hard the other way, and you loyal Angry Nerd devotees get to be dazzled by my brilliance until such point as I decide that I've written enough and I'm tired and the whole thing starts over again.
I say all of that to tell you you that if you want to know what the hell's been up with me, be warned: you're about to get hit with as much Angry Nerd crap as I can stand to spew for the time being. Enjoy it while it lasts...