Friday, January 25, 2013

Baltimorons - Ashy Larraine

So the other day, I was on the bus on the way to work, and as we got closer to downtown, a woman sitting in front of me rose from her seat to get off. Like a lot of women these days, she was wearing low rise jeans and even lower rise (or no) panties, creating the ever-present female version of plumber's butt. Now, fellas, I know y'all what happens when a woman dressed this way goes to stand up: her ass rises faster than the pants do, and there's a brief instant (before she reaches back to hike her pants back up to plumber's butt level) when there's a full moon sighting. And sure enough, when this chick rose up, her didn't, and there was all manner of crack and cheek staring me right in the face. Me being me, my eyes zoomed right in on its target. But...

Damn, I thought, is her ass...ASHY???

Yes it was! This woman could've been Ashy Larry's of "Chappelle's Show" fame twin sister - let's call her Ashy Larraine - for as chalky looking as the skin on her normally brown hind parts was this morning. And you know, I think Ashy Larraine was kind of attractive, and she kind of had a nice figure, and that was probably normally a nice looking booty - but dammit, that ash was just throwing me off! And to make matters worse, unlike most women who quickly reach back and fix themselves up when they stand up and expose themselves (many of whom have booties you wouldn't mind getting a little extra time to check out), this chick seemed like she wasn't in any hurry to cover all that dry booty meat up. C'mon, Ashy Larraine, get yourself together and pull them drawers up! Don't nobody want to see a big, dry ass this early in the morning. Some of us haven't had breakfast yet!

With this little story in mind, let me just offer up a piece of advice for the ladies: now, I'm not sure when and how the whole low riding, butt-cleavage (and muffin-top, often) - producing jeans style came into vogue, and as a booty-watching male I'm certainly not going to knock it (too much) or wish it would go away. I mean, the style looks good on (SOME OF) you. On the other hand, I'm not sure why you want to expose your hind parts to the kind of bitter cold temperatures we've been having lately here in Baltimore, but hey, they're your asses, so who am I to say? That being said, however...

The late, great comedian Redd Foxx recorded a classic album back in the day called "You Gotta Wash Your Ass".

Now I have no doubt that (MOST OF) you do indeed wash your asses (and other parts in the vicinity) before you leave the house (although I'm a little skeptical sometimes of those of you prancing around in your pajamas; do you just roll up out of bed and go out into public wearing the pajamas you slept in, or do you wash your ass and THEN put on pajamas to go outside? Hmmm, I wonder. But I digress...). But - especially in the winter time when your skin is likely to be drier and ashier - please, PLEASE, slap a little lotion on those derrieres (and for some of y'all big behinds, more than a little lotion) before you leave the house trying to be cute showing off you female plumber's butts.

Because, really, nobody wants to be looking at an Ashy Larraine...

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