"The Dating Game", Episode 1 - "Lock Down"

   So I've been on my own for the last 10 years or so after over a decade and a half of "marital bliss" (I could take the time to calculate the percentage of blissful years versus the various stages of less-than-blissful, but I'm in a good mood today, so I don't feel like it). One thing I came to find out very early on was that the dating game these days is...whew, I don't even know what to call it...

So instead of trying to give it a name, I thought I'd occasionally pick one of my more "interesting" dating experiences and tell you about it...

Episode 1: "What had happened was..."

   So I connected with this woman through an online personal ad. After the preliminary phone chats and picture exchanges, we decided we would get together. I threw out a few ideas for places to go for a first date, but she insisted on just meeting me at her apartment and hanging out there.
  We met, talked, ate, listened to music, and had a great time, and over the next couple of weeks I came back several times to visit her and hang out. We never actually went out anywhere; we just spent time at her place, getting to know each other, and becoming more and more comfortable and cozy together.
   Then one evening, things progressed beyond cozy to hot and heavy, and soon she was leading me by the hand to the bedroom. There she did a slow striptease; off with her t-shirt, followed by her bra. My eyes then moved downward as  she slowly slid out of her pants, and then...wait - "what the hell is that???"
   "That" was a ankle monitor on her left ankle (and for those of you who thought the surprise was higher up on her body, I can only say that if that were the case, I would not be telling this story - EVER)...
   "Well, see what had happened was..." she started, and proceeded to tell a story of how her boyfriend was arrested for dealing drugs, and that because he had been using her car while doing some of his dirt, the car was seized and she was placed under house arrest.
   "Well at least now I know why you never wanted to go out," I said.
   "I know, I'm so sorry I didn't say anything before. Are you mad at me?"
   Well, let's see: I have a naked woman standing in front of me who wants me to join her. Plus, she's a cheap date, because she can't go out anywhere...
   "No, it's all right, I'm not mad."

   So for the next few months I made regular "visits" to go see my house arrest girl. Then one day she called me and uttered these fateful words: "My boyfriend is coming home from jail." Well now...
   Look, I'm not afraid of too many things, and I love a challenge, and I was certainly having fun with this woman, but did I like her enough to want to tangle with a newly released convict? Er...negative...Besides which, she referred to him as her "boyfriend", not an ex- or former boyfriend. and thinking back, she also called him "boyfriend" when she told me the whole story of how she ended up under house arrest. So basically I had just been um, filling in for him...

So we saw each other one last time, said our goodbyes, and off I rode into the sunset...

Tune in again for another episode of "The Dating Game" on ANTV (Angry Nerd Television)...