Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"The Dating Game", episode 3 - "Are They Your Pets?"

To read episode 2, click here.
To read episode 1, click here

   So I got invited to a female acquaintance's home to hang out and catch a Ravens game, just the two of us.When I came through the door, I could smell the aroma of a good meal wafting from the kitchen, and there were drinks and munchies on the living room table. "This is going to be good", I thought...
   I settled in, grabbed a drink and some chips and got myself nice and comfy. The living room was nice and neat; outdated furniture, but everything was well-kept. The dining room, however, at least from what I could see, was a junkyard. Boxes, toys, a couple of bicycles, broken chairs, two or three TVs on the floor...just junk all over the place. I shook my head and kind of shrugged it off at first glance...but now as we were chilling and watching the game, a sight from that junky dining room caught my eye: a mouse running around and jumping in and out of boxes. Now I'm not afraid of mice, but like most everyone else, I hate them pesky little motherfuckers with a passion, and the sight of this particular little motherfucker cavorting around this woman's dining room like it was his personal playground was distracting the hell out of me. I briefly thought about saying something, but then thought the  better of it, and instead just repositioned myself on the sofa to try to get the dining room out of my peripheral vision and to focus on the game.
   Apparently I became a litte too focused a little on the game and not enough on my hostess, because at some point she got off the sofa, walked in front of the television, and started to do what I could only assume was intended to be a seductive dance, except that it was so bad that it was far more funny than sexy. As I sat there watching her - partly pissed because she was  blocking my view of the game, and partly amused by this woman's spectactularly bad dancing - I was suddenly startled by a mouse zipping out of nowhere, zooming under the coffee table that was between the sofa where I was sitting and the TV in front of which the woman was standing.
   I jumped in surprise, which in turn startled the woman, who apparently didn't notice the mouse. When I explained what happened, she laughed at my being scared of a "lil ol' field mouse". Before I could protest, she came back to the sofa and said, "give me a massage." Sheeeshh, can I just watch the game?
   So she stretched out on the sofa, and  I straddled her and began to massage her neck and back, while keeping an eye on the game. But even with my attention divided between the game and the massage, something didn't feel quite right; I had a feeling like someone or something was watching me. But I kept massaging and watching the game. Then when there was a timeout, I took my eyes of the TV and looked straight ahead...and there it was: another mouse, sitting up on the arm rest of the sofa, looking dead at me...
   I jumped and yelled, the woman jumped and yelled in response, and mouse jumped and took off - where I don't know...
"What happened?" the woman asked.
"You didn't see that mouse up on the sofa with us?" I responded, as I was putting on my shoes.
"No, I didn't. What are you doing? Where are you going?"
"I got to get the hell out of here!"
"Awww come on, I can't believe a grown ass man is scared of some field mice."
"Shit, I ain't scared of them, but what the fuck? What are they, your pets?" I asked as I reached for my coat.
"Come on, don't leave," she pleaded "We haven't even eaten yet."
Those were the last words I heard as I walked out the front door...


  1. Where do you meet these women, at the Pest aisle in Walmart?

  2. Ha Ha, it would seem so, wouldn't it?