Thursday, October 4, 2012

Workplace Drama - "Know Your Environment"

So whenever there's a conference at the job, they cater in a big lunch, and whatever's left over someone will bring to the cafeteria for a general grab fest. Today they were bringing in taco fixins and shells just as I was about to get my lunch out of the fridge. Screw this sandwich, I'm gonna make me a couple of tacos. Ham and cheese can wait til tomorrow!

Meh...let's just say the tacos didn't go over too well with my insides. ¡Ay, caramba! It wasn't long before I was hustling to the men's room for a round of projectile pooping. Unfortunately, I was in too much of a hurry to take note of one tiny detail: the toilet paper situation. ¡Ay, caramba!

When I was finished and reached for the TP, I saw that dreaded sight we all have seen at least once in our lives: a couple of squares of paper glued to the cardboard that you can't do a damned thing with...Now what? There's usually a spare roll in the stall for changeovers; no such luck this time. I looked under the stall to see if anyone was occupying it. Empty. And I hadn't recalled hearing anyone come in above all the grunting and splashing. Okay, I can make it to the next stall before anyone comes in, right?

Well, almost...

I was hopping my poopy ass - pants around my ankles - out of the stall I was in and was almost safely into the neighboring stall when I heard the door open!  ¡Ay, caramba!  I was only a hop or two from being safely into the next stall, but I panicked when I heard the door, tried to rush that last hop or two, stumbled forward, just barely manged to catch myself before cracking my skull open on the toilet seat (now wouldn't that have been one hell of a story for an EMT and/or coroner to tell: "Ah yes, we have a Black male, 50 years old, face down, rear end - unwiped - up, in the men's room toilet at his place of employment"), rushed to right myself and slam the stall door closed, and crumpled in a heap onto the toilet seat. Dear Lord, please let me not have accidentally flung any doo doo from my butt somewhere while stumbling and bumbling around this bathroom stall. Amen.

I sat there motionless, other than the heaving of my chest from trying to catch my breath until whoever it was that had come in was finished and left the bathroom (and doggone it, whoever it was never said a thing, didn't ask if was all right, nothing. I could've busted my head open on the toilet and been laying there bleeding into the bowl with my ass all exposed and shitty, and this fool would have not cared one bit. JERK.), and then finally got myself together and cleaned myself up.

Bathroom trips are not supposed to be a damned adventure...

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