So it's been a couple weeks since my RAVENS won the Super Bowl, and I'm still on a high! As I was on my way home from celebrating after the boys pulled out a crazy, thrilling victory, I thought, Man, I ain't gonna be NO good at work tomorrow.Maybe I should call out. Then when I found out the city was going to throw a parade on Tuesday:
Screw it, I'm GOING to that parade! I'll just have to suffer through being hungover and tired Monday!*
(*I guess I could have taken both days, but since I'm still on the waiting list to be on "Jeopardy", I'm not trying to miss any unnecessary time, since, ya know, if I called to be on the show I'm gonna be gone a while winning my millions...)
And so it came to pass that I suffered through work Monday (thankfully my boss took pity on me even though she's from China and knows or cares zero about football; then again, it was her daughter's second birthday, so she was more preoccupied with getting through the day and going home to celebrate, which meant I was able to do my work without her normal hyperactive jitterbugging about), and rested up for the big day Tuesday. What follows is my personal blow by blow account of the parade:
9:45 - Although the weather forecast calls for a relatively mild 45 degrees, I still fret over wearing something that will keep me warm while still displaying my Ravens Pride. I settle on a Ravens hoodie, over a sweatshirt, over a t-shirt, over a long sleeved compression shirt, over another t-shirt, and a pair of heavy Levi's jeans over some long johns, two pairs of sweat socks, and boots. I top it all off with my purple (non-Ravens) wool cap, purple (non-Ravens) watch, and purple, gold, and black bead from the Super Bowl party (You got to COORDINATE!) I am officially ready to go!
9:50 - I leave to go to catch the bus downtown. The Parade is scheduled to start at 10:45 at City Hall, which is about a 15 minute bus ride from home, so I figure I've got some time.
10:00 - I'm on the bus. It's JAMMED with delirious Ravens fans headed to the parade. I squirm and work my way to a spot right in front of the rear door. We ought to be there a half hour ahead of the start time for the parade, maybe a little less with traffic delays...
10:03 - At some point in the middle of the conversation the two young ladies standing next to me are having, I hear one of them mentioning something about looking for Keith, trying to figure out who Keith is, blah blah blah...well since my name happens to BE Keith, my ears perk up. However, since I wasn't really paying attention to the conversation, I don't really know in what context they are referring to this unknown "Keith". Then suddenly, the girl right next to me yells "Who the FUCK is Keith?"
"Girl, what is your problem?"
"I just want to know where he is. He's gotta be on this bus..."
Wait a minute...
"How you know that?"
"Cuz I'm on his Wi-Fi. Keith's Hotspot."
Hey, that IS me!
"Uh, excuse me," I interrupt. "I'm the Keith whose Wi-Fi you're using."
"YOU'RE Keith's Hotspot?"
"That's me," I replied, showing her my mobile hotspot and pushing the button that clearly displays the name I gave it (a name I obviously put a lot of thought into).
"Oh" she deadpans and turns her back to me to continue talking to her friend.
You're welcome, BIAAAATCHHHH...
10:15 - Sure enough, we are approaching the bus stop around the corner from City Hall. BUT...
there was MASS PANDEMONIUM all around the blocks and intersection leading to my stop and
City Hall. Buses, cars, motorcycles, bicycles, people on foot paying no attention to the vehicles - and absolutely NO evidence of any police presence...
10:40 - The bus has moved approximately six feet in the last 25 minutes. Passengers are losing their minds,
yelling at screaming at the bus driver to let us out. The driver never once acknowledges anything
that is said. It's as if she's in the bus by herself.
10:55 - It's now 10 minutes past the scheduled start time at City Hall. The bus has moved maybe another 10 feet. We're about another five minutes from a full blown riot on this damned bus if something doesn't happen soon...
11:00 - Finally, there is a surge forward of traffic that gets us almost to the stop - almost...the driver still won't let us off...
11:02 - Another surge forward, and AMEN, the bus doors open. I am positioned such that I am the first to get off, but some young skateboard-toting, skinny jeans wearing knucklehead decides he doesn't want to wait until I step off the bus and comes charging almost past me, but instead slams into my right shoulder, almost sending us both crashing into the ground and becoming stampede victims. I spend the next couple of minutes in a state of road rage (or whatever you would call the version that involves a pedestrian walking towards a parade), walking along him, questioning everything from his parentage to his masculinity to his ability to function in a civilized society (although, ironically, my own choice of language in addressing this slacker would itself be categorized as "civilized" by absolutely no one). To Mr. Droopy Britches' credit, he kept it moving and didn't engage me, but his normally light brown skin had definitely turned a fiery shade of red, and more than once he glanced over his shoulder at me, but he resisted doing anything further than that ("I wish a muthafucka would"). Finally, as we entered into City Hall Square, he went his way and I went mine.
11:15 - There was no need to be worried I was going to miss anything. Half an hour after the scheduled start time, absolutely nothing is going on, and no one is telling the crowd about what's (not) happening. Basically you've got a shit load of humanity standing around practically shoulder to shoulder looking up at the balcony of City Hall at a bunch of officials who are standing around doing and saying absolutely nothing (you know, sort of how they normally do)...
11:20 - Well, at least we've got ourselves a little entertainment:
11:30 - Plenty of female derrieres on display, wrapped in purple and/or black tights. God bless Spandex!*
11:32 - And tightly fitting denim too!*
11:35 - (* - NOTE: does not apply to all derrieres; some butts just can't be made to look good, no matter what they're in...)
11:45 - An hour has passed since the scheduled start time. Apparently the exponentially increased vehicle and foot traffic - together with the seemingly total absence of preparedness on the part of the Police, City Officials, and the team - has led to a monumental clusterfuck of such proportions that even the supposedly parading Ravens can't make it through to the Parade's start point at City Hall. Whoever it was announcing that the team is stuck in traffic might have been the Most UNinteresting Man in the World ("Stay awake, my friends"). Yet even his lame attempts at leading cheers is met with enthusiasm just because everyone is so pumped up. A brief round of "Let's Go, Ravens!" ensues, followed by the 1000th rendition of the "Seven Nation Army" chant...if you don't what that is, and the song's relationship to the team, Google it. If you don't know and you're from Baltimore, well - leave this blog NOW...
11:50 - I check Facebook on my phone and notice that a few friends are already at the stadium. I text them letting them know that I'm headed that way once the parade leaves City Hall, and that I'll try to hook up with them there...
12:00 - Is that WEED I smell? Baltimore, you gotta love it!
12:15 - Finally! The team has arrived!
12:17 - However, they aren't up on the balcony, but down on a platform on ground level, which I didn't even notice before, and which I have now discovered I'm in a crappy position to see:
12:20 - Ed Reed break into his rendition of "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money. As a singer, Ed makes a great football player...
12:25 - Ray Lewis seizes control of the microphone. This might take a while...
12:27 - Ray Ray's comments are mercifully short, although he did attempt to lead the crowd in the worst "Seven Nations Army" chant I've heard during the time the Ravens fans have adopted it (and I've some pretty horrific attempts at it). Of course, no one cares that Ray has a tin ear.
12:30 - The parade procession begins, with the caravan of Army flatbed trucks on the move. Once the trucks start rolling, a mass exodus begins from City Hall (well except for this fool who wants Baltimore to see his dingy drawers before we leave):
12:35 - I'm ducking and dodging folks as best as I can to make it over to the stadium and catch up with friends. This is going to take a while. City Hall to M&T Bank Stadium is a bit of a hike even under normal conditions; add a couple hundred people to the mix, and it is going to be some workout...
12:38 - At the corner of Baltimore and Holliday Streets just as the caravan passes by. I stop to take some pictures. Obviously, my vantage point is not the greatest, especially with only my cell phone to take the pictures:
12:41 - Ray comes rolling along, riding solo in his own version of a Popemobile:
12:48 - I've made my way over to Pratt Street, and here comes the parade. I try again to get at least ONE good shot of the proceedings. Alas, it was not to be:
12:50 - As the parade passes by, people flood the streets en masse to follow it and head towards the stadium.
12:52 - There are certain hazards in walking along a parade route where horses have just traveled. Thank goodness the Angry Nerd was a little more observant than a few unlucky souls...
12:55 - This gentleman obviously hadn't thought things out thoroughly when he decided to climb a tree for a better view:
12:56 - Fortunately, he had some kindly White people to help him down (meanwhile, the Black folk were walking by looking at him and shaking their heads, and you know we were all thinking, This Nigga HERE...
1:02 - At the entrance to Oriole Park at Camden Yards, the Oriole birds is representin':
1:07 - More entertainment - these guys were jamming in the parking lot in front of M&T Bank Stadium:
1:08 - This brotha was gettin' it in!
1:10 - My plan to join friends inside the stadium clearly ain't going to happen. Word has been circulating through the approaching crowd for a while now that the stadium is full and no one else is being let in. Yet people keep coming:
1:15 - Apparently some knuckleheads attempted to climb the gates, with varying degrees of success after fire marshalls closed them, leading to the stationing of S.W.A.T. team officers around the gates:
1:20 - Almost no one has left the grounds, even though we know we can't get in. We all stand around and listen to the proceedings over the loudspeakers, and break into spontaneous "Seven Nation Army" chanting. Whenever a few people close to the gates do leave, the rest maneuver our way forward. At this point, I'm just about at the front gate, just a few feet from a couple of S.W.A.T. I start to take a picture of them, but think better of it.
1:22 - Someone starts a cheer of "LET US IN! LET US IN!" In no time, it spreads throughout the throng of folk still irrationally standing the closest to the gates. The S.W.A.T. team is not impressed...
1:25 - The place goes absolutely berserk! Pope Ray Ray is about to speak...
1:27 - For all his talk about his love for Baltimore, he can never truly be a real Baltimorean if he keeps pronouncing the name of our town the way he does...
1:30 - I'm close enough to the gate to see the monitors over the concession stand inside, and watch Ray do the Squirrel Dance again. He's then joined first by Ed Reed, and then by Jacoby Jones, who quite frankly can out-Squirrel Ray Ray...
1:35 - The ceremony is over. The gates open up, and here comes the mass exodus of cheering folk storming the gates to get out. Some of us still there take the hint and start to retreat, others for some unknown reason try to get IN the stadium (I dunno, just to say they got inside?), others just stand there, blocking the progress of the exiters. A real clusterfuck. Where is the S.W.A.T. team now?
1:37 - as I make my exit, I make sure to walk under the CHAMPIONS arch:
1:50 - On my trek to the bus stop to get home, I stop and pick up a $10 T-shirt and an Italian Sausage. Hungry as I am, I want to slap the guy ahead of me who's trying to talk his way into paying for a $5 sausage with his last $3.50. Needless to say, his attempt ends in an epic fail...
3:00 - An hour has passed, and the only bus that has made it to my stop was jammed packed and letting anyone else on. I consider walking back several stops to catch the bus at an earlier point to avoid getting shut out again, but then I hear a woman who was waiting at the same stop and who had earlier tried to catch a cab but then changed her mind after he estimated how much the fare would be (and then loudly cussed him out in the process) asking if anyone wanted to share a cab ride with her and her mother and go halfsies on the cost. "Where you going?" Someone asked. "Belair and Erdman," she answered. Hey, that's where I'm going!
3:05 - We flag down a cab, and mother, daughter and I pile into the cab. She almost immediately starts telling me her life story: how old she is, where she's from, where she lives (and I mean, the exact address), the fact that everyone thinks she's a White girl, but she's actually half Native American, and that her mother is a full blooded Cherokee. I take a look at her mom, and she indeed has classic Indian features. I mean, damn, she looks just like one of those old cigar store Indians - that is, if the Indian had his hair dyed a hideous, non-humanly possible, probably glow-in-the-dark shade of blondish/orange...
3:15 - After telling me a bit TMI, and questioning me about my bio, the woman pauses to catch her breath, at which point I change the subject: "So what'd you think about that parade? It was pretty wild, huh?"
"Oh, we weren't at the parade."
"No? Oh okay. Well you missed a good time."
"Yeah, I bet, but we had appointments at a treatment center."
OH...
Now that I check her out a little more, she does seem a little glassy eyed, and her giving out as much info about herself in such a short time to a complete stranger was a little odd. Then I looked at Mama Indian, and she was in a full blown, seated version of a Crackhead Lean...
Lord, I done caught a cab ride with a couple of Junkies!
3:30 - We arrive at our destination, split the bill and say our goodbyes. She had already given me her phone number and told me to call her sometime...I had put the number in my cell for show, then discreetly pressed "Cancel" instead of "Save". They did live awful close, though; hopefully we won't run into each other any time soon. On the other hand, even if we did, they might not even remember me, given the states they are in...
3:31 - Gotta make one more stop before I go in the house. I head into the CVS to see if the shit-talking, Ravens-hating cashier is working today. BINGO, there he is! I pick up a few items and get in his line, which is longer than other line, but I don't care. Ol' boy is laughing and joking with the customers, and then he sees me, and whole expression changes...
3:33 - My turn in line! Mr. Ravens Hater can barely even look at me, worried apparently that I'm going to dog him, But I don't. I stand there, proud, grinning like a Cheshire Cat that had just finished smoking whatever those two Indians in the cab were on, poking my Ravens-emblazoned chest out, jangling my beads, and chuckling to myself - loud enough, of course for Mr. Ravens Hater to hear. I pay for my stuff just a little too enthusiastically, and turn to make my exit with a loud "RAVENS, BABY!"
My day is complete...
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