So I have a couple pairs of Kenneth Cole slacks that I recently bought, and they are some very nice slacks indeed. I love the cut and fit, the material, everything - except for one thing: what in the hell is up with these short-ass zippers??? Taking a leak shouldn't have to be a friggin' adventure, but I swear, when I'm wearing these pants, it's like a damned fishing expedition. The shortness of the zipper makes reaching my hand inside a chore, and the fact that it ends at too high a location on the crotch means that the Angry Nerd's happier, cooler partner has to go through some unnecessary contortions just to make it to daylight. I wanna know what kind of teeny weenies was Mr. Cole designing these pants for? You better not have to pee real bad in these things, there might be some unhappy consequences...
I had never thought about zippers much (or at all) when I purchased pants before, but you can rest assured I will be testing zipper length out from now on. The slightest bit of excessive maneuvering to reach in and free my partner means the pants go back on the rack (give us FREE!). In the meantime, I'm going to keep wearing my Kenneth Coles with pride; short zippers notwithstanding, they're nice slacks. I'll just be sure to limit my fluid intake on those days...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
"The Dating Game", episode 2 - "Nasty Girl"
To read episode 1, click here
I was driving on my way home from work during a heavy downpour, and I saw a mid-to-late-20s lady standing out on a bus stop trying in vain to protect herself and her child from the wind and rain. So, good guy that I am, I pulled over and offered them a ride, which she gladly accepted. The two of us had a very nice conversation as I drove her home; it turned out that she lived in an apartment complex a couple of blocks from me. When I pulled up in front of her building, it was still raining pretty hard, so we sat and talked some more until it let up.
Before getting out of the car, she asked me what I was doing later that night; when I said I had no plans, she said she had planned on going out, but her babysitting arrangement fell through, so she invited me to come and chill with her, maybe have a few drinks and watch some movies. Since I wasn't doing anything anyway, and we seemed to have a little chemistry between us, it was a no-brainer to accept the invitation.
So later that night I showed up at her place, after having stopped to pick us up something to eat and drink. She opened the door to her apartment, and it was DARK inside. I mean, can't see a damned thing dark. The only light at all was coming from the TV. She invited me in and took the stuff I bought to the kitchen while I staggered like a blind man towards the direction she told me the sofa was located. I figured she was trying to create some romantic vibe, but instead, it came off as kind of spooky or creepy, for some reason.
I found the sofa, and sat down, and she came in shortly after with our food and drinks and scooted next to me. We started watching whatever movie that was already in progress on cable, and settled in and ate and drank and enjoyed each other's company. When the movie ended, she excused herself to go and check on her son, and invited me to change the channel and find us something else to watch. I fumbled and groped around in the dark for the remote, then finally I said, "screw it", managed to find the switch to the table lamp, and turned on the lights...and then:
There were roaches...EVERYWHERE! Not just an isolated one here and there, but these lil' bastards were scurrying all around the room! I thought I was going to puke right then and there.
She comes rushing out to the living room to find me doing some contorted, twitching, spastic dance as I tried to figure out if anything was crawling on me. "Are you all right?" she asked.
"Uh, you got yourself a roach problem."
"Oh yeah, I know. I just had somebody come in and spray."
(Somebody already sprayed??? THEY ALREADY SPRAYED? Well, what the hell did it look like in here BEFORE the spraying? What are these, BEBE's roaches? -- "They don't die, they MULTIPLY!")
Needless to say, I was out the door in very short order. I got back to my place, stripped down, threw the clothes in the washing machine, took a loooong shower, and tried to forget the image of that creepy, crawly living room scene...
I was driving on my way home from work during a heavy downpour, and I saw a mid-to-late-20s lady standing out on a bus stop trying in vain to protect herself and her child from the wind and rain. So, good guy that I am, I pulled over and offered them a ride, which she gladly accepted. The two of us had a very nice conversation as I drove her home; it turned out that she lived in an apartment complex a couple of blocks from me. When I pulled up in front of her building, it was still raining pretty hard, so we sat and talked some more until it let up.
Before getting out of the car, she asked me what I was doing later that night; when I said I had no plans, she said she had planned on going out, but her babysitting arrangement fell through, so she invited me to come and chill with her, maybe have a few drinks and watch some movies. Since I wasn't doing anything anyway, and we seemed to have a little chemistry between us, it was a no-brainer to accept the invitation.
So later that night I showed up at her place, after having stopped to pick us up something to eat and drink. She opened the door to her apartment, and it was DARK inside. I mean, can't see a damned thing dark. The only light at all was coming from the TV. She invited me in and took the stuff I bought to the kitchen while I staggered like a blind man towards the direction she told me the sofa was located. I figured she was trying to create some romantic vibe, but instead, it came off as kind of spooky or creepy, for some reason.
I found the sofa, and sat down, and she came in shortly after with our food and drinks and scooted next to me. We started watching whatever movie that was already in progress on cable, and settled in and ate and drank and enjoyed each other's company. When the movie ended, she excused herself to go and check on her son, and invited me to change the channel and find us something else to watch. I fumbled and groped around in the dark for the remote, then finally I said, "screw it", managed to find the switch to the table lamp, and turned on the lights...and then:
"Awwwww, SHIT! What the fuck???"
She comes rushing out to the living room to find me doing some contorted, twitching, spastic dance as I tried to figure out if anything was crawling on me. "Are you all right?" she asked.
"Uh, you got yourself a roach problem."
"Oh yeah, I know. I just had somebody come in and spray."
(Somebody already sprayed??? THEY ALREADY SPRAYED? Well, what the hell did it look like in here BEFORE the spraying? What are these, BEBE's roaches? -- "They don't die, they MULTIPLY!")
Needless to say, I was out the door in very short order. I got back to my place, stripped down, threw the clothes in the washing machine, took a loooong shower, and tried to forget the image of that creepy, crawly living room scene...
Tune in again for another episode of "The Dating Game" on ANTV (Angry Nerd Television)...
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Conversations I've Overheard, 2nd Edition
Two high school boys are having a loud gripe session about life in general, and their mothers specifically:
Boy #1: "I can't stand my mother. She get on my fuckin' nerves, always up in my business, and tryna make me do a bunch of dumb shit."
Boy #2: "I know, right? My mother the same way. I can't stand her ass sometimes."
After the two of them recited a laundry list of the usual teenaged complaints, boy #1 said, "That bitch made me so mad today, I cussed her ass the fuck out!"
Boy #2: "Damn, what she say?"
Boy #1: "She started cussing and fussing, but I just walked the fuck out, 'cause she make me wanna hit her ass sometimes! Why she think she can be telling me how to run my life?"
Boy #2: "So what you gonna do?"
Boy #1: "Ionna, I'm 'bout ta go back up in there now...I wish my father wasn't in jail, because if he was out, I wouldn't need my mother for shit!"
Boy#2: "Word..."
Why did I get the feeling he and his father were going to be reunited soon - in one way or the other?
Boy #1: "I can't stand my mother. She get on my fuckin' nerves, always up in my business, and tryna make me do a bunch of dumb shit."
Boy #2: "I know, right? My mother the same way. I can't stand her ass sometimes."
After the two of them recited a laundry list of the usual teenaged complaints, boy #1 said, "That bitch made me so mad today, I cussed her ass the fuck out!"
Boy #2: "Damn, what she say?"
Boy #1: "She started cussing and fussing, but I just walked the fuck out, 'cause she make me wanna hit her ass sometimes! Why she think she can be telling me how to run my life?"
Boy #2: "So what you gonna do?"
Boy #1: "Ionna, I'm 'bout ta go back up in there now...I wish my father wasn't in jail, because if he was out, I wouldn't need my mother for shit!"
Boy#2: "Word..."
Why did I get the feeling he and his father were going to be reunited soon - in one way or the other?
Baltimorons
Ah, Baltimore, my hometown: the history, the harbor, the neighborhoods, the RAVENS (and, ahem, the Orioles), the harbor, and...the CHARACTERS!
My hometown characters are a continual source of amusement. Some of my recent favorites:
My hometown characters are a continual source of amusement. Some of my recent favorites:
- The older gentleman in a wheelchair parked outside of Lexington Market directing drug traffic as he took user's money and directed them to the yo-boy around the corner. Meanwhile, folks are milling in and out of the market, and no one's paying any of this a bit of mind (then again, at Lexington Market, so much other stuff is going on, it's hard to pick just one thing to be surprised, appalled, or amused by;
- The crackhead-ish gentleman scurrying down Belair Road on a rainy afternoon using a giant umbrella from a patio furniture set to keep him dry. Now maybe it actually was his umbrella, but I'm suspecting some family was pissed that they were going to have to go and by another one;
- The pretty young mother standing on a downtown corner on a beautiful late summer day, who had the top of her sun dress flipped down, with her infant snacking on one breast, while she covered the other with her hand (receiving blankets aren't that expensive, are they?), all the while carrying on a conversation like everything was everything;
- The independent cigarette merchants on practically every corner selling "loose ones". Can you make a living off this?
- The Patapsco Avenue hookers, with more teeth missing than present and accounted for. I'm guessing some of them have more crabs in them than in Curtis Bay. And not any amount of Old Bay would do anything for those crabs...
Saturday, November 5, 2011
LMKIAs
"LMKIA" is my acronym for Loud Mouth Know It All. Everybody knows their (un)fair share of them. There are three types of LMKIAs:
The question then is how much you feel like getting dirty at any particular time and place...
- Those who stick to pontification on selected subject(s) that they are very knowledgeable and/or passionate (and won't shut up) about;
- Those whose intellectual curiosity has led them to acquire varying degrees of knowledge on an array of topics, and who will attempt to speak about any or all of them (regardless of actual level of knowledge) as if he/she was an expert (and who may also jump into discussions on topics about which they know nothing, yet try to speak as if they know everything); and...
- Blithering idiots who don't realize it (or who DO realize it and try to compensate for it), and just have to be heard. About everything...
- The LMKIA states his/her opinion(s) to any and everyone within earshot, in the manner of someone who is the ultimate authority on the subject (even if that subject is something he knows little to nothing about)
- The LMKIA tries to recruit people to his/her point of view, to be able to make the case that all those people can't be wrong (and an LMKIA with a particularly magnetic personality may already have a stable of friends ready to back his/her opinion on practically anything)...
- However, if the LMKIA can't recruit people to his side of a debate, then none of those people know what they are talking about...
- The LMKIA loves to brag - after the fact - about having "predicted" or "called" certain events in the world of news, entertainment, or (especially) sports (regardless of whether anyone actually heard him/her do so)...
- The LMKIA loves to use terms that speak in absolutes (e.g., "real" or "true"or "best"). The only "real" or "true"or "best" entity that exists in an argument is the one which the LMKIA says is "real" or "true" or "best".
- Those who agree with the LMKIA "get it", and are good, intelligent people who are "being honest" with their thoughts. Those who don't: not so much...the idea that decent, intelligent people can disagree agreeably is a foreign concept to the LMKIA. If you aren't on his/her side, then there is clearly something wrong with or about you...
- The LMKIA deals with any dissenting opinion by becoming even louder, apparently with the belief that volume of voice = validity of opinions/comments...
- The LMKIA rarely lets little things like facts get in the way of sticking to a line of argument, if it is a topic about which he/she is especially passionate...
- The LMKIA is quick to fall back on abusive and/or circumstantial ad Hominem arguments, and perhaps even to straight out personal attacks, in the face of any invalid points being exposed...
- When proven to be right (and they often are), the LMKIA tends to be completely ungracious towards anyone who dared not go along with him/her right from the beginning...
- The LMKIA will not hesitate to offer unsolicited advice, even if the subject matter about which he/she is advising is a matter about which the LMKIA's own personal history and/or circumstances are more screwed up than the person's on the receiving end of the advice...
"I learned a long time ago, never wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." - George Bernard Shaw.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
"The Dating Game", Episode 1 - "Lock Down"
So I've been on my own for the last 10 years or so after over a decade and a half of "marital bliss" (I could take the time to calculate the percentage of blissful years versus the various stages of less-than-blissful, but I'm in a good mood today, so I don't feel like it). One thing I came to find out very early on was that the dating game these days is...whew, I don't even know what to call it...
So instead of trying to give it a name, I thought I'd occasionally pick one of my more "interesting" dating experiences and tell you about it...
Episode 1: "What had happened was..."
So I connected with this woman through an online personal ad. After the preliminary phone chats and picture exchanges, we decided we would get together. I threw out a few ideas for places to go for a first date, but she insisted on just meeting me at her apartment and hanging out there.
We met, talked, ate, listened to music, and had a great time, and over the next couple of weeks I came back several times to visit her and hang out. We never actually went out anywhere; we just spent time at her place, getting to know each other, and becoming more and more comfortable and cozy together.
Then one evening, things progressed beyond cozy to hot and heavy, and soon she was leading me by the hand to the bedroom. There she did a slow striptease; off with her t-shirt, followed by her bra. My eyes then moved downward as she slowly slid out of her pants, and then...wait - "what the hell is that???"
"That" was a ankle monitor on her left ankle (and for those of you who thought the surprise was higher up on her body, I can only say that if that were the case, I would not be telling this story - EVER)...
"Well, see what had happened was..." she started, and proceeded to tell a story of how her boyfriend was arrested for dealing drugs, and that because he had been using her car while doing some of his dirt, the car was seized and she was placed under house arrest.
"Well at least now I know why you never wanted to go out," I said.
"I know, I'm so sorry I didn't say anything before. Are you mad at me?"
Well, let's see: I have a naked woman standing in front of me who wants me to join her. Plus, she's a cheap date, because she can't go out anywhere...
"No, it's all right, I'm not mad."
So for the next few months I made regular "visits" to go see my house arrest girl. Then one day she called me and uttered these fateful words: "My boyfriend is coming home from jail." Well now...
Look, I'm not afraid of too many things, and I love a challenge, and I was certainly having fun with this woman, but did I like her enough to want to tangle with a newly released convict? Er...negative...Besides which, she referred to him as her "boyfriend", not an ex- or former boyfriend. and thinking back, she also called him "boyfriend" when she told me the whole story of how she ended up under house arrest. So basically I had just been um, filling in for him...
So we saw each other one last time, said our goodbyes, and off I rode into the sunset...
Tune in again for another episode of "The Dating Game" on ANTV (Angry Nerd Television)...
So instead of trying to give it a name, I thought I'd occasionally pick one of my more "interesting" dating experiences and tell you about it...
Episode 1: "What had happened was..."
So I connected with this woman through an online personal ad. After the preliminary phone chats and picture exchanges, we decided we would get together. I threw out a few ideas for places to go for a first date, but she insisted on just meeting me at her apartment and hanging out there.
We met, talked, ate, listened to music, and had a great time, and over the next couple of weeks I came back several times to visit her and hang out. We never actually went out anywhere; we just spent time at her place, getting to know each other, and becoming more and more comfortable and cozy together.
Then one evening, things progressed beyond cozy to hot and heavy, and soon she was leading me by the hand to the bedroom. There she did a slow striptease; off with her t-shirt, followed by her bra. My eyes then moved downward as she slowly slid out of her pants, and then...wait - "what the hell is that???"
"That" was a ankle monitor on her left ankle (and for those of you who thought the surprise was higher up on her body, I can only say that if that were the case, I would not be telling this story - EVER)...
"Well, see what had happened was..." she started, and proceeded to tell a story of how her boyfriend was arrested for dealing drugs, and that because he had been using her car while doing some of his dirt, the car was seized and she was placed under house arrest.
"Well at least now I know why you never wanted to go out," I said.
"I know, I'm so sorry I didn't say anything before. Are you mad at me?"
Well, let's see: I have a naked woman standing in front of me who wants me to join her. Plus, she's a cheap date, because she can't go out anywhere...
"No, it's all right, I'm not mad."
So for the next few months I made regular "visits" to go see my house arrest girl. Then one day she called me and uttered these fateful words: "My boyfriend is coming home from jail." Well now...
Look, I'm not afraid of too many things, and I love a challenge, and I was certainly having fun with this woman, but did I like her enough to want to tangle with a newly released convict? Er...negative...Besides which, she referred to him as her "boyfriend", not an ex- or former boyfriend. and thinking back, she also called him "boyfriend" when she told me the whole story of how she ended up under house arrest. So basically I had just been um, filling in for him...
So we saw each other one last time, said our goodbyes, and off I rode into the sunset...
Tune in again for another episode of "The Dating Game" on ANTV (Angry Nerd Television)...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Angry Nerd's 7 Fashion Tips
1. If you have to keep adjusting your clothing, then you aren't wearing the right size...
2. Just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should go buy it...
3. Take an honest assessment of your body. Observe others with the same body type. If they look ridiculous wearing an outfit, it's almost certain you will too...
4. Remember your age...
5. It's called underwear for a reason...
6. Buying a "look" based on what a celebrity or TV/movie character is wearing? What are you, in high school?
7. Find yourself someone who won't be afraid to tell you when you're about to embarass yourself by wearing something that makes you look like a damned fool...
2. Just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should go buy it...
3. Take an honest assessment of your body. Observe others with the same body type. If they look ridiculous wearing an outfit, it's almost certain you will too...
4. Remember your age...
5. It's called underwear for a reason...
6. Buying a "look" based on what a celebrity or TV/movie character is wearing? What are you, in high school?
7. Find yourself someone who won't be afraid to tell you when you're about to embarass yourself by wearing something that makes you look like a damned fool...
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