Angry Nerd Family Christmas Dinners

   Christmas dinner in the Angry Nerd family is, like with many families, a time-honored tradition. Growing up, we used to have dinner at Grandma's, with plenty of down-home meals, music, and occasionally a lively spat as entertainment. After I got married and had kids, my new family would rotate where we ate Christmas dinners; the plan was always to eat dinner with one family, and then just stop by to see the other. The invariable annual consequence to this plan, however, was tension over how much time we spent at each place. At some point, we solved this problem by hosting both sides of our family at our house for dinner - which freed us up to have other things to argue about...

   Nowadays, Christmas dinner is much more harmonious. For the last several years we have gathered at my sister and brother-in-law's place, and without my babymama's combative, slightly crazy family dynamic in the mix, things go much more smoothly (not that we don't have some of our elements of craziness and combativeness in our midst, but, for those folks in was an in-bred thing, kind of like with Native Americans and the alcoholism gene).

   Actually, for us, Christmas begins at Thanksgiving. Several years ago, we decided that the adults in the family would do a Secret Santa-thingy so that we would only need buy a gift for one other adult in the family. My mother is in charge of this whole operation, and with her, it is a matter a national importance that those names get drawn out of the hat post-Thanksgiving meal. Remember Rev. Harold Camping, the nut that predicted not one, but two incorrect dates for the end of the world this year? Well, I knew he had it wrong all along; the end of the world will come the day after someone in the family leaves Thanksgiving dinner without picking a name for Secret Santa...now that doesn't mean that we won't try to leave without picking a name - or at least pretend to, mainly since getting my mother annoyed and flustered is a favorite pasttime for my siblings and I (and to be honest, it's kind of a cheap thrill, since she's so easy to fluster and so prone to falling for the same stuff no matter how many times we try it).

   Back to Christmas dinner - it's always a fun affair when the Angry Nerd clan gets together, especially at Christmas time. Plenty of laughter, teasing, eating, drinking (mostly non-alcoholic stuff), sports watching (with plenty of debates and trash-talking about the action), and the like. My brother, the camera buff, takes plenty of pictures - the more embarassing the better. At some point after dinner, someone will let out a rip-roaring, mouth-uncovered belch. Half of the other people will be grossed out by this; the other half will express their admiration, and hand out grades for the belch, prompting both indignation from the grossed-out crew, and attempts (on the sly) from the admiring crew to try to work up their own monster belches in an effort to beat the original monster belch (note: this activity does NOT apply to farting. You gotta fart, take it to the bathroom or an unoccupied room - or in the case of my brother - all the way outside the house).
  
   Video games are a must, especially now that there are the dance games are popular. They're a particularly effective tool for working up a sweat and for making fools of oneself! Then there's also the annual "Battle of the Sexes" game of spades featuring my sister-in-law and cousin versus my nephew and myself. Most years it works out pretty much according to script: a lot of woofing initiated by my nephew, responded to with some caterwauling from the ladies (I, of course, maintain a modicum of restraint and good sportsmanship). Then, once the game begins, the ladies employ their tortoise and hare strategy, where they place safe, wussy bids throughout, while the two of us knuckleheads inevitably do ourselves in with a series of testosterone-induced overbidding, leading to such spectacular self-destruction that the ladies barely have to break a sweat...sigh...getting trash-talked by a couple of persistent women is a hurtful thing...

   But spades humiliation aside, there's nothing quite like the Angry Nerd family Christmas dinners. They are truly what makes Christmas for me. Well, time to go; I hear my nephew woofing about spades. Hope you all are having a great Christmas!



Two Days Before Christmas

'Twas two days before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring (well...maybe a mouse)

The 23rd of December, and I hadn't done a thing,

Had put up no tree, had done no shop-ping. 

The Christmas decor was still packed out of sight;

The wreath and the tinsel, every bulb, every light.

The garlands, the ornaments, the Santa Claus clock;

The fake tree was still all apart in a box.

I just didn't feel like unpacking that mess;
Putting that stuff up was just extra stress.
What did it matter? There's no one but me.
And I couldn't care less about watching some tree.

(For my grandson the tree would be a nice surprise;

When he came for a visit, it would light up his eyes.

No doubt, the decorations would warm his little heart;

But no doubt, his little hands would take them apart.)

That morning I dragged myself out of bed,

Tried to summon up courage for that thing that I dread:

The malls at the holiday season, I hate.

But I had to go, dammit, it was almost too late!

I thought that Christmas time was about joy, peace, and love,

But the malls are about where push comes to shove.

Rudeness and selfishness replace peace and joy,

The warmth comes from snatching a coveted toy.

Rampant consumerism is the order of the day,

Crass materialism is what really holds sway.

There are gift lists to tend to, there’s stuff to be bought,

Someone grabs what you want, then there’s a fight to be fought.

So go spend, spend, spend, spend; gotta have only the best stuff.

It’s Christmastime; too much is never enough.

And you better be careful in the parking lot;

‘Cause you just never know if your ass might get shot.

I wandered around in this chaos, this display of pure lust.

I felt a mixture of sadness, depression, and disgust.

(While the ladies in tight outfits were a welcome distraction,

Even the booties and boobies could not bring satisfaction.)

So back home I went, with not that much stuff.

My Christmas funk deepened; had I really done enough?

Christmas seemed to have lost some meaning for me;

There’s got to be more than some presents and a tree.

But then I thought, Christmas is in two days.

Tomorrow I will be in church to sing and to praise

To direct my choirs as we sing of Christ’s birth,

Of how he came down from heaven to save mankind on earth.

Then on Christmas my family will all come together,

A tradition I wouldn’t miss, no matter what the weather.

I’ll live, laugh, love, eat, maybe get slightly drunk;

And by then there’s no doubt, I’ll be rid of this funk.

For in the end, God and Family are what make Christmas Day;

All the material gifts, well, they’re only for play.

But the love of Jesus, and of family, will make your minds and heart light,

So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!