Colder Than a...

After what had been a relatively mild winter here in Baltimore, this week we have had a rude awakening. It's FRIGGIN' COLD! Temperatures have been in the 20s the last couple of days, and aren't expected to get above freezing the rest of the week. YIKES! Unpack the long underwear! This is definitely not a time to be outside any more than you absolutely have to - unless you're like the couple I saw walking down the street yesterday: he wearing nothing more than a short sleeved polo and some khakis, while she had on a light sweater and slacks. Seriously, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to smack the hell out of these two or go hug them and  transfer some of the warmth that was permeating their bodies from them to me. I mean, really, where the heck where these people from that they could move along in 20 degree weather like they were taking a stroll on the beach on a balmy fall day? People were looking at them like they had lost their ever-loving minds. And then I heard a guy who was questioning this couple's sanity utter a phrase that has long been a curious one to me:

Colder than a witch's tit? I've always thought this to be a strange expression. I mean, I've felt a few tits over the years, and I have yet to feel one that was cold. Even if you've got cold hands, a nice pair of breasts (or even not so nice pair) will warm them up right away (don't try this at home - or wherever - guys, without the bearer of the breasts' consent; cold hands on unsuspecting warm breasts don't generally engender a pleasant response). Even if you were to stand a woman bare chested in cold temperatures, I'm guessing that while the skin may be initially cold to the touch, the tits themselves would feel warm (or would warm up fairly quickly). For a tit to be as colder as frigid winter temperatures, the owner of said titties would pretty much have to be dead (and dead for some time, and having been placed in a freezer), right? Then again, although I've interacted with my share of women who might be categorized as BitWitches, none of them was an actual witch - I don't think...and even if they were (and if witches actually existed), they would still have blood and flesh, and functioning physiology, so their tits would still be warm, wouldn't they?

As you might imagine if you know me, I wasted just a little too much time thinking about this, and finally decided to research the origins of the phrase "colder than a witch's tit". Well what I found didn't exactly clear things up for me. Some explanations say that it because witches often performed their rituals outdoors, in the nude, and therefore their body parts must naturally have gotten cold. Other sources say that since witches are in league with the Devil, that this would prevent them from having the maternal instincts to raise and nurse children, thus rendering their breasts dry, cold and of no use. A third explanation, however, takes the opposite tack, namely, that witch hunters of old believed that witches would allow people familiar with them - and even Satan himself - to suckle from their breasts, and that if that old Devil had occasion to suckle on a particular witch, he would leave his mark on the area he touched, rendering it without feeling, dead - or "cold", as witch hunters would call it. Alrighty then... I hope I've never had that effect on a woman...

Well now, I'm not sure any of that made me feel like using the term "colder than a witch's tit"...and, well, since I've digressed a bit, let me get back on point: it's FREEZING out there (I'll come up with something better than a witch's tit to compare this weather to someday...). Be safe, be smart. It's supposed to snow here Baltimore this afternoon, so things aren't going to get any better right away. If you have to be outside, bundle up and dress warm!

Except, of course, if you're that guy in the polo shirt...